Today we're diving into a topic that's sparked heated debates in queer circles: lesbian bed death. Before we get into the nitty-gritty, let's address the elephant in the room – many researchers and sexuality experts actually consider this concept more myth than reality. Studies examining long-term relationships across different orientations show that pretty much all couples experience changes in their sexual dynamics over time. The term itself has faced criticism for perpetuating stereotypes and oversimplifying the complex nature of intimate relationships. But since it keeps popping up in conversations about queer relationships, let's unpack what it means and why it might (or might not) be a thing.

So What is Lesbian Bed Death, Anyway? 

First coined in the 1980s by sociologist Pepper Schwartz, "lesbian bed death" refers to the supposed tendency for sexual activity to decrease or cease in long-term lesbian relationships. But before you panic, let's break down some psychological perspectives on why this might happen and what we can do about it.

Why Does It Happen? The Experts Weigh In

1. Merger Theory

Some psychologists suggest that the intense emotional intimacy in sapphic relationships can lead to a kind of "merging" of identities. When you're so close, it can be hard to see your partner as a separate, sexual being. It's like, "We're so in sync, we forgot to be sexy!"

2. Socialization Theory

This perspective argues that women are socialized to be less sexually assertive. Put two women together, and you might end up with a "who's going to make the first move?" standoff.

3. Intimacy-Ceiling Theory

This one is kinda like merger theory but more specific. Social psychologists explain that passion in a relationship is defined by changes in intimacy over-time. This is why relationships start out so hot and heavy—and why on-and-off relationships stay hot (despite their toxicity)…. It’s the changing levels of intimacy that lead to hot sex.  Because women place a high value on intimacy,  sapphic couples tend to reach the intimacy ceiling more quickly than heterosexual or gay male couples. When intimacy plateaus at its peak or becomes stagnant, a lack of passion (and sex) take over.

4. Minority Stress Theory

Living in a heteronormative world can be stressful for queer folks. This chronic stress, combined with everyday life stressors, can put a damper on libido.

5. Oxytocin Overload Theory

Some researchers suggest that the high levels of oxytocin (the "cuddle hormone") in female-female relationships might lead to strong emotional bonds but decreased sexual desire.

6. The Sexual Script Theory

Heteronormative sexual scripts don't always apply to queer relationships, leaving some couples unsure how to initiate or maintain sexual activity over time.

Avoiding the "Death" - Keeping Your Sex Life Alive and Kicking

1. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

Talk about sex! Discuss your desires, fantasies, and concerns openly. Remember, your partner isn't a mind reader.

2. Prioritize Sex

Schedule sex if you need to. It might sound unsexy, but making time for intimacy can lead to more spontaneous encounters.

3. Maintain Independence

Keep some sense of separateness in your relationship. Pursue individual hobbies and friendships. A little mystery can go a long way!

4. Spice Things Up

Both in the bedroom and outside of it! Bonding over new activities and experiences as a long-term couple can allow tapped out intimacy room to grow again, re-lighting the spark that was so hot in the first place.

5. Focus on Intimacy, Not Just Sex

Remember that intimacy isn't just about sex. Cultivate emotional and physical closeness in non-sexual ways too.

6. Address Underlying Issues

If stress, mental health issues, or relationship problems are affecting your sex life, don't ignore them. For example, some common medications, such as antidepressants, can often put a damper on libido for many people. Seek help from a queer-friendly therapist or doctor if needed.

7. Challenge Heteronormative Scripts

Create your own sexual scripts that work for your relationship. There's no "right" way to have sex!

8. Practice Mindfulness

Being present in the moment can enhance sexual experiences and help you reconnect with your desires.

9. Take Care of Yourself

Exercise, eat well, and manage stress. Feeling good about yourself both physically and psychologically can increase libido and give your sex life the spark it needs.

Remember, Every Relationship is Unique

The term "lesbian bed death" is controversial, and many researchers argue it's more myth than reality. Every relationship has its own natural ebbs and flows in sexual activity, and many theories of love and relationships argue that the type of intimacy in nearly all relationships changes over time from passion to companionship. What matters most is that you and your partner are happy and satisfied with your level of intimacy. 🌈💖