Communication is something that can make or break any relationship. Whether you're navigating a new flame or you've been with your partner for years, mastering the art of healthy communication can take your sapphic love to the next level. 

Why Communication is Especially Critical 

In sapphic relationships, we sometimes expect our partners to communicate just like us because we're both women (or rather, non-men). It's important to challenge this assumption and recognize that gender doesn't determine communication style and we may actually have very different norms, ideals, and insecurities when it comes to self-disclosure, processing, and listening. As queer folks, we might also have additional layers of processing to do around our identities, experiences of discrimination, or coming out stories. It’s crucial to be patient and supportive of each other through these complex emotional territories. Finally, the U-Haul stereotype highlights a real tendency in our community to dive extra deep and fast into very intense relationships. This makes clear, open communication extra crucial for us as we try to ensure that our hot, passionate connections evolve into long-term healthy relationships with the right person.

The Basics of Healthy Communication

1. Listen Actively: This means really hearing your partner, not just waiting for your turn to speak. Try repeating back what they've said to make sure you've understood. When we are listening actively, we are letting go of things our mind says we must say back. Instead, try just being along for the ride and getting curious about your partner.  How much can you learn about them today?! It also helps us get out a more “me” mindset to a collaborative -we are having this conversation together and I really want to understand what you are saying. 

2. Use "I" Statements: Instead of "You always leave dirty dishes in the sink," try "I feel frustrated when I see dirty dishes in the sink." It's less accusatory and more about expressing your feelings. Note that sometimes this can still be hard for folks to hear, but that doesn’t mean you should give up trying!

3. Check Your Assumptions: Just because you're both women doesn't mean you automatically understand each other's experiences or needs.We are all unique and see and navigate the world in our own ways  Though some people joke we are the same people, thank goodness we aren’t! Ask questions!

4. Respect Boundaries: This is huge. Communicate your boundaries clearly and respect your partner's. Consent and comfort are ongoing conversations.

Navigating Sapphic-Specific Communication Challenges

1. The Processing Trap: We love to process our feelings, but sometimes it can be overwhelming. Set aside specific "processing time" if needed and remember that it can be healthy for partners to take a pause if things get too emotionally hot. Sometimes, an adult “time-out” is the best course of action in the heat of the moment. When that happens, set a time to pick up the conversation after each of you is more regulated. That conversation will be more productive. 

2. Emotional Intimacy Overload: It's easy to get lost in the intensity of sapphic connections. Remember to maintain individual identities and interests. Make time for your friends (and yes, even in the beginning!), keep your community close and get help if you think you are losing yourself in the relationship.

3. The Ex Factor: In small queer communities, exes are often still in the picture. Be clear about your comfort levels and expectations, and get ready to navigate things together. Interestingly, we often excel at transforming exes into great friends, leading the way in this unique aspect of human relationships.

4. Gender Expression Dynamics: Whether you're butch, femme, or anything in between, don't assume roles based on appearance. Communicate about expectations and desires.

The Art of Non-Verbal Communication

Don't forget about the power of non-verbal cues and love languages. We tend to give what we ourselves prefer so getting to know your partners can do wonders for your relationship. It’s normal for one that is not your preferred style to be a bit uncomfortable at first but it will get easier over time.:

1. Physical Touch: A gentle touch can speak volumes. (Just make sure you're both comfortable with it!)

2. Quality Time: Sometimes just being present with each other, without distractions, is powerful communication.

3. Acts of Service: Showing you care through actions can be just as important as words.

Keeping the Spark Alive

Great communication isn't just about solving problems – it's also about nurturing your connection:

1. Regular Check-Ins: Have a "state of the union" chat regularly to discuss your relationship. It’s helpful to schedule these so you make sure that neither of you feel like you’re carrying the burden for heavier topics.

2. Appreciation Sessions: Take turns sharing what you love and appreciate about each other. This is helpful not only for them, but also for us! Gratitude helps our health!

3. Dream Together: Talk about your hopes and goals, both individually and as a couple.

4. Spice It Up: Don't be shy about communicating your desires and fantasies. It can be fun and bring you closer!

5. Regularly Schedule Fun Activities: They don’t always have to involve money. Going to the beach, hiking, going to a free queer event close by. Take turns being in charge so it doesn’t always fall on one partner. 

Conflict Resolution: Sapphic Edition

Conflicts happen, but they don't have to be relationship-enders. Here are some tips for navigating conflict in a healthy way:

1. Cool Off First: If emotions are running high, take a breather before diving into the issue and plan a time to revisit. Use the Sandwich Method: Start with something positive, address the issue, then end on a positive note.

2. Avoid Generalizations: "You never help with chores" is less helpful than "I'd appreciate more help with the dishes this week."

3. Work to Go Deeper: Work with your partner to get underneath the surface.  Even though we often argue about silly things, like who left the coffee cup out,  these usually reflect deeper needs.  Maybe we feel unimportant, rejected, or afraid.  See if you can get to these parts using this: “When you do _____, I feel ____ and then often react by _____.”  We are always learning about ourselves and our partners! 

4. Also, while conflict can mean one is feeling neglected, we can’t always give 100% of our attention to each other and this will wax and wane in amounts and times but if one is feeling that the other has been too distant for too long be sure to bring it up and see if you can reconnect in a way that reminds you of your importance to each other. 

5. Find Common Ground: Remember, you're on the same team! Look for win-win solutions.

6. Know When to Seek Help: There's no shame in couples therapy. Many LGBTQ+-friendly therapists can offer great insights.

Dealing with Difference: When Chatty Cathy gets together with Silent Sally

Imagine this: Cathy loves to talk through her feelings, dissect every interaction, and verbally process everything from her day at work to that weird dream she had last night. Sally, on the other hand, prefers to mull things over internally, often needing time and space before she's ready to share her thoughts. Sound familiar? You're not alone! This dynamic is super common, and not just in sapphic relationships. But let's talk about how to navigate it in our queer context.

First, it's crucial to understand that neither communication style is inherently better or worse. They're just different! Here's what might be going on:

For the Expressive Partner:

- Talking helps them process and understand their own feelings

- Verbal expression feels connecting and intimate

- Silence might feel uncomfortable or even rejecting

For the Less Expressive Partner:

- Internal processing helps them make sense of their thoughts and feelings

- Immediate verbal processing can feel overwhelming

- They might need time to formulate their thoughts before sharing

Strategies for Bridging the Gap

1. Establish "Processing Time"

Set aside specific times for talking through feelings and experiences. This gives the expressive partner a guaranteed outlet while allowing the less expressive partner to prepare mentally.

2. Create a "Pause" Signal

Agree on a signal that means "I need some time to process." This allows the less expressive partner to take a breather without the other feeling rejected.

3. Try Written Communication

Sometimes, writing can be a happy medium. The expressive partner gets to share their thoughts, while the less expressive partner has time to absorb and respond at their own pace. Try a shared journal - there’s even some apps that allow you to do this virtually!

4. Practice Active Listening

When the less expressive partner does share, make sure the expressive partner practices active listening without interrupting or immediately launching into their own processing.

5. Explore Non-Verbal Intimacy

Remember, talking isn't the only way to connect. Cuddling, shared activities, or even just sitting in comfortable silence can be deeply intimate.

6. Compromise on Processing Depth

Maybe not every interaction needs a full debrief. Agree on which topics are most important to discuss in-depth.

7. Respect Different Needs

The expressive partner might need to find additional outlets (friends, journal, therapy), while the less expressive partner might need guaranteed alone time to recharge.

8. Check-In Regularly

Have meta-conversations about your communication styles. Are both partners feeling heard and respected?

9. Use "I" Statements

Instead of "You never want to talk," try "I feel closer to you when we discuss our days." It is particularly helpful to give feedback when things go well: “Thanks so much for letting me into your day - I just love learning new things about you!”

10. Consider the Why

Often, the desire for expression or silence is rooted in past experiences or insecurities. Understanding these can foster empathy. This is where it can help to look under the hood at why and how we feel the way we do. Certain types of depthful oriented therapy highlighted in the therapy section can help you get into your why. Knowing yourself better can aid your life in a myriad of ways and it will definitely help you in your relationship. 

Embracing the Balance & Doing the Work

Remember two things, (1) the goal isn't for both partners to communicate identically; and (2) healthy communication is a skill that takes practice! Shoot to find a point of balance where both of you feel understood, respected, and connected. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work on it together. The payoff – a deeper, more fulfilling relationship – is totally worth it!🌈💖